I just pynch a tree in the face
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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