I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
