I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
that is very illegal...i love you.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
