Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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