my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
