my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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