So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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