I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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