What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
