not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
