I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
