ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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