I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
