you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
