The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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