I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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