I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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