There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize