Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
