zippers are such a cool invention
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
