Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
