he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
