I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
