you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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