I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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