don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
