Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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