Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How does it feel to date your dad?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
