It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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