Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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