she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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