What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
