so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
