it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
