My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
