and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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