It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
