last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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