i already hear my dad disowning me
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
