when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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