he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
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It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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