just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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