Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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