My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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