Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
