i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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