i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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