Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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