I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
