I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
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I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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