You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
please come you make the beer taste better
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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