Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
