I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
