dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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