Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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