She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
